I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
