so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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