We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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