My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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