He asked to "fluff my boner.."
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
