My hand turned me down
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
