if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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