Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
