have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
