I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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