I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
