Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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