i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
