the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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