The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
oh god was she eating orange peels again
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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