i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
