Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
