Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
