I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize