so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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