Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
