I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Randomize
