yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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