I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
