Sry I called you an 8
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
