"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize