If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
