Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
