So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
