I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
