Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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