Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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