Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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