and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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