tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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