took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
