Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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