census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
