Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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