i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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