I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
