Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
