??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
