Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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