No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize