Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
