I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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