She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize