I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
