Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
