I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
