I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
