roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
