i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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