What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
