I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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